The fans seemed a bit too sedate watching the unfolding brawl, until closer inspection revealed the fans were actually a bunch of dummies, cutout…
The Liberal obsession with shutting down everything in the name of political correctness is undoubtedly insane, but now that the ideology has been poison-tipped with a not-so-deadly virus, America is becoming an increasingly unrecognizable, uninhabitable place.
It’s not every day when a grown man drops heavy tears onto his keyboard in an unexpected wave of emotion; it’s even rarer when he admits to it. But it happened this week.
Perhaps as a form of escapism from the madness that is steadily encroaching upon every single human activity, I foolishly clicked onto an article about a brawl that broke out during a baseball game between the Oakland A’s and the Houston Astros. Certainly here would be a nice dose of raw, unfiltered reality without the incessant virtue signaling insanity, right? Judge for yourself.
After getting hit by a pitch for the third time in as many games, Oakland A’s player Ramon Laureano decided he had had enough and charged the Astros dugout. These delightful displays of toxic masculinity, when both teams clear the benches and smack each other around for a few harmless minutes, have been a regular part of baseball, the ‘national pastime,’ since its inception.
The new ‘normal,’ however, promises to change all that. Now, a strapping, salaried athlete might actually break a nail, or worse, infect himself with a viral disease with a reported 99.8 survival rate. So as the players piled onto one another in a sweaty mass of manhood, releasing their pent-up testosterone under the bright lights of the Coliseum, the only thing the article could focus on was how dumbass Laureano had broken the Covid social-distancing rules. Not that it really mattered anyways, since most of the players were sporting form-fitting surgical masks in the dog days of August, which, by the way, may have been the reason tensions were high in the first place.
I was about to click off the article out of sheer disgust when something in the accompanying photo caught my attention. Something looked wrong about the fans in the audience. They seemed a bit too sedate and straight despite the heated action playing out before them. And here is where the first tears fell. Upon closer inspection, I realized that the fans were actually a bunch of dummies, cutout cardboard replicas of the real thing.
A look at how the Dodger fan cutouts would look in the stands pic.twitter.com/nhdCETV9vB— Dodgers' Way (@DodgersWayFS) July 15, 2020
As I would discover, it is now a thing in professional baseball for shut-out fans to pay upwards to $300 dollars to have their grinning mug shots positioned in a seat in otherwise abandoned stadiums. But even this ‘cheap’ substitute for the real thing will predictably self-destruct since the woke fans among us have already started discussing the plethora of happy white faces among the front-row dummies, yet another unacceptable manifestation of white privilege. Welcome to the new insanity.
Eventually, however, I realized that Major League Baseball may have stumbled upon a genius idea. Why not erect cardboard dummies of happy smiling Americans across the entire locked down country? In schools, for example, which promise to be shuttered in the fall despite young peoples’ known resistance to all viruses, parents could have cutout simulacrum of their kids sitting upright at their desks with perma-smiles on their fresh faces as they are indoctrinated with the new woke education, which now dictates, among other things, that proper English grammar is at heart racist; transgender and alternative lifestyle subjects should be taught to third graders; and, to round out this Orwellian nightmare, 2+2, an abstract notion wrought by white-man imperialism, does not always equal 4. The grinning faces of the classroom cutouts will nicely mask the look of total confusion from the students as they are rebooted to the new educational paradigm from the relative comfort and safety of their bedrooms.
At the same time, cardboard cutouts of Americans doing all the simple things they once took for granted – eating out, shopping, attending church services and voting in presidential elections without undue harassment – could be erected from sea to contaminated sea. After all, it’s a dangerous world out there, no need to risk a single person falling ill or falling down.
And with the social justice warriors attempting to cancel capitalism due to environmental concerns, mostly connected to climate change, here is a surefire remedy. Americans can park their vehicles on the highway and install cardboard cutouts of themselves behind the wheel, complete with smiling happy children in the backseat. Who needs a car anyways when everyone is working from home, if they are working at all?
Finally, instead of various activist groups, like Black Lives Matter and Antifa, torching American cities on behalf of the greater good, benevolent philanthropists, like George Soros and Bill Gates could help finance cardboard cutouts of these individuals in various stages of protest, like carrying television sets out of Best Buy and burning down the local police station. And since the mere sight of law enforcement on the streets of America is itself a dog whistle for mob violence, best not to represent the police fighting back at all.
This ultra-safe simulacrum of the United States, which Americans may watch from the comfort of their living rooms, will render all potential dangers and health risks null and void, while ensuring that nobody gets tempted and break with the thought police, thereby requiring any further cancelling of the world’s greatest culture. This cardboard future reality of the United States proves once and for all that Americans really can have it all.